Who Would Win a Royal Rumble of NFL Coaches?

Written By Jordan Rosas

NFL Coaches are hired for their brains, not their brawn. Still, the coveted sideline head set gig draws a wide range of body types from all walks of life. Some are former players themselves, others just fans who understand the game far better than the rest of us. Some coaches are known as players’ coaches, while others are known for their toughness.

It got me thinking, which team has the toughest coach? If all the head coaches in the NFL got in a big brawl, who’s the last man standing?

In keeping with the real NFL formula, I picked which coach I thought was the toughest from each division. Then, I awarded 3 wild cards to the next 3 toughest coaches in each conference. I then seeded them based on their team’s current standings, and picked who I thought would win a 1 on 1 tussle.

Here’s what I came up with.

AFC EAST

This division is stacked. Even with a pair of brass knuckles fashioned from his Super Bowl rings, ‘ol Bill Belicheck doesn’t stand a chance here.

1. Sean McDermott Buffalo Bills: He’s not a big guy, especially on the heavily skewed NFL scale. He did win a couple national titles in high school wrestling though, and that body awareness helped him carve out a respectable college football career as an undersized guy.
2. Robert Saleh New York Jets: This guy looks like he’s in better shape than half of his roster. Based on the Jets’ season so far, he actually might be.
3. Brian Flores Miami Dolphins: He looks like every waking moment that he’s not coaching is spent slinging iron on Muscle Beach. Just because he has the guns though, it doesn’t mean he knows how to fight with them.
4. Bill Belicheck New England Patriots: Let’s be honest, the old man doesn’t have time for this Tom Foolery. He’ll easily forfeit to get more time to game plan for next week.

AFC NORTH

There’s a pretty clear pecking order here…

1. Mike Tomlin Pittsburgh Steelers: Tomlin has always looked tough from the day he was hired. This man used to get paid to tell James Harrison what to do. He dealt with Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Bell at the same time. No chance he’s afraid of any of these coaches.
2. John Harbaugh Baltimore Ravens: Harbaugh has tough dad vibes. He’s been around the block a few times and doesn’t want to start any fights, but he’s capable of finishing them. Bring his daughter back 1 minute past 10 and all hell breaks loose.
3. Kevin Stefanski Cleveland Browns: This beautiful man could model suits or cologne and has a great physique. However we’re looking for sluggers, not seducers. Mr. Steal Your Girl is living Urban Meyer’s fantasy in Ohio.
4. Zac Taylor Cincinnati Bengals: I’m sure he knows his way around the gym, but he just doesn’t look intimidating. He looks like a nice guy who’d rather hug you than hit you.

AFC WEST

This division is about as close here as it is in real life. Unlike real life, there’s nobody all that formidable.

1. Brandon Staley Los Angeles Chargers: Not only does he live in LA, he looks like the human embodiment of crossfit. No way this guy doesn’t do yoga in the morning. He looks like he helps his daughter’s ballet instructor choreograph the recital. He may not have a fighting bone in his body, but he’s definitely in the best shape.
2. Rich Bisaccia Las Vegas Raiders: He probably was a force back in the day. Now though, he’s the old guy at the gym who still manages to put up respectable weight… For an old guy.
3. Vic Fangio Denver Broncos: He’s definitely pulling a muscle or throwing out his back as soon as the whistle blows. He looks like he should be the spokesperson for IcyHot.
4. Andy Reid Kansas City Chiefs: I love Andy Reid as much as the next guy, but this just isn’t his arena. The only smoke he’s got is coming from a slow roasted brisket. And in that case, we all want that smoke.

AFC SOUTH

There’s a clear winner here, and it ain’t close.

1. Mike Vrabel Tennessee Titans: He’s got it all. He’s big, played linebacker in the NFL, and he’s not too old, yet he’s definitely got that old man strength. Even 3 on 1 he probably wipes the slate here.
2. Frank Reich Indianapolis Colts: Frank looks tough enough to hold his own most of the time, and smart enough to avoid fights he can’t win.
3. David Culley Houston Texans: DC doesn’t seem like he goes looking for a fight, but if some jerk knocks those glasses off, I’ll bet Big Tex can teach them a lesson. That jawline sure looks like it can take a punch.
4. Urban Meyer Jacksonville Jaguars: This guy’s used to being the big man on campus, so I doubt he’s had anyone step to him in a bit. We’re looking for guys who can put boots to asses, not gloves.

NFC EAST

I expect these guys to be about as competitive as their teams were last year.

1. Joe Judge New York Giants: You gotta be tough to make it in New York, right? Jersey isn’t exactly a place full of softies either. This guy has a mix of frat guy and Eastern European track suit mafia. Either way, not a guy you wanna mess with.
2. Ron Rivera Washington Football Team: Riverboat Ron is big and tough, but he’s at the age where things don’t work like they used to. Somebody has to win this division though, and he did beat cancer.
3. Nick Siriani Philadelphia Eagles: Philly fans are tough, so their coach should be too, right? The Eagles’ second most significant Nick of the last five years might not be the most intimidating guy out there, but I’ll bet he could throw down if he had to.
4. Mike McCarthy Dallas Cowboys: Mike may have the best team in real life, but that doesn’t matter much here. He’s got some size, and could probably do some damage early on, but if he doesn’t put the other guy to sleep in the first few shots, fatigue probably gets the better of him.

NFC NORTH

Finally, a lion is the king of the division

1. Dan Campbell Detroit Lions: Big dude, played pro ball, and looks scary as hell. The man was talking about breaking knee caps in the offseason. He may be winless on the season, but he’d take out all that frustration here.
2. Matt LaFleur Green Bay Packers: He’s not a big guy, but he is young and looks pretty fit. Whatever he may lack in power, I’ll bet he makes up for in stamina.
3. Matt Nagy Chicago Bears: Nagy hasn’t been great as a coach, but he’d likely be even worse as a combatant. Nothing about him screams intimidating.
4. Mike Zimmer Minnesota Vikings: I’m sure he’s much happier sitting by the warm fireplace, reading a fascinating playbook on a cold Minnesota night than resorting to fisticuffs to settle his division rivalries.

NFC WEST

There are plenty of great things about the west coast and midwest. Those regions aren’t nearly as well known for fighting as the east coast though.

1. Kyle Shanahan San Francisco 49ers: He looks like your run of the mill San Fran hipster, but he might be the biggest guy in the division, so there’s that.
2. Kliff Kingsbury Arizona Cardinals: The slender urbanite build makes him look more like a runner than a fighter, but he’s got a long reach, and some lanky dudes can still hit hard.
3. Sean McVay Los Angeles Rams: He’s a small guy, but he’s not on the AARP mailing lists yet. With all of his offensive creativity, maybe he can come up with a decent strategy here.
4. Pete Carroll Seattle Seahawks: Let’s be real. Grandpa Pete ain’t hurting anybody. He’s a nice guy, and stays in good enough shape for an old dude, but he’s not knocking anybody.

NFC SOUTH

It’s slim pickings here. Some respectable gentlemen whose fighting days are behind them.

1. Matt Rhule Carolina Panthers: Rhule isn’t huge, but he’s got enough weight to do some damage if he knows how to use it.
2. Arthur Smith Atlanta Falcons: Like his team, Smith isn’t all that intimidating. He doesn’t seem like someone who gets in a lot of fights.
3. Sean Payton New Orleans Saints: Technically, Bountygate was Greg Williams’s doing. Payton was mostly hands off. He’s not in awful shape for a guy his age, but he’s been coaching long enough at this point that his physical prime is now a distant memory.
4. Bruce Arians Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I’ll bet Bruce could give guys the business back in the day. Now though, he’s more like the cool uncle who lets the kids stay up after 12, than the fighter who can take down the league’s best.

AFC WILDCARD ROUND

1. Mike Vrabel Tennessee Titans

(BYE)

2. Sean McDermott Buffalo Bills

vs

7. Robert Saleh New York Jets

Neither man played pro ball, but both of them played in college. Saleh was a 4 year starting tight end at Northern Michigan, while McDermott was a safety at the College of William and Mary. Both guys are pretty tough, but McDermott was a two time national prep champion in high school wrestling, so I give him the edge here.

3. Mike Tomlin Pittsburgh Steelers

vs

6. Brian Flores Miami Dolphins

I cannot stress enough how much I don’t want any trouble with either one of these guys. A simple “what did you say to me?” from either one of these two AFC heavyweights is enough to send chills down the spine. At the end of the day though, only one guy can win here. Flores has definitely received a few offers to be a bouncer at Miami clubs, but I’m sticking with my early guess that he has more lifting power than punching power. I’m giving the edge to Tomlin, who looks like he could throw down half his roster.

4. Brandon Staley Los Angeles Chargers

vs

5. John Harbaugh Baltimore Ravens

As is sometimes the case in the NFL seeding, these two get the easiest matchups. In this battle between quarterback and cross-fitter, I’m going with the one who’s taken NFL hits and won an NFL title. Harbaugh for the win.

NFC WILDCARD ROUND

1. Matt Rhule Carolina Panthers

(BYE)

2. Kyle Shanahan San Francisco 49ers

vs

7. Ron Rivera Washington Football Team

Ten, fifteen years ago, heck, even five years ago, this one probably goes a little differently. At this point though, the many battles Rivera’s been through in his life start to add up and take their toll. Shanahan’s just too fresh and gets the win.

3. Joe Judge New York Giants

vs

6. Nick Siriani Philadelphia Eagles

We get a divisional rematch here, between guys representing two of America’s toughest cities, in [Greater] New York City [Area] and Philadelphia. Guys named Judge in New York are known for being powerful sluggers, and if Joe can hit half as hard as Aaron, he takes this one.

4. Dan Campbell Detroit Lions

vs

5. Matt LaFleur Green Bay Packers

Home, away, on the moon, doesn’t matter. Campbell is a former tight end, which means he’s got hands and is used to knocking guys on their back. He flattens LaFleur and catches a ticket to the next round.

AFC DIVISIONAL ROUND

1. Mike Vrabel Tennessee Titans

vs

5. John Harbaugh Baltimore Ravens

Vrabel had a bye in the first round and now gets the easiest guy left. This matchup features a former NFL linebacker vs a former NFL QB. Usually the linebacker wins those battles in the NFL, and I’m taking Vrabel here.

2. Sean McDermott Buffalo Bills

vs

3. Mike Tomlin Pittsburgh Steelers

This one features two former college teammates in McDermott, a safety, and Tomlin, a wide receiver. They battled plenty in practice back in the day, and they’ve both beaten each other as NFL coaches. I’ve been terrified of Tomlin since I was a kid, but McDermott has a wrestling mat in his house, so he’s definitely ready for the smoke. If these two men go down to the basement to settle things, my money is on McDermott walking back up the stairs.

NFC DIVISIONAL ROUND

1. Matt Rhule Carolina Panthers

vs

4. Dan Campbell Detroit Lions

Rhule had the easy first round with a bye, but this round more than makes up for it. He’s had his share of frustrations, including injuries to his QB and star RB, but that’s nothing compared to the winless wrath of Dan Campbell. In the battle of the big cats, the lion roars on.

2. Kyle Shanahan San Francisco 49ers

vs

3. Joe Judge New York Giants

Shanahan has lucked into pretty easy matchups all the way through, but now he comes face to face with a guy who can hit back. Kyle is a great offensive mind, but he’s not known for his defense, and that becomes his undoing here.

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND

1. Mike Vrabel Tennessee Titans

vs

2. Sean McDermott Buffalo Bills

As much as we love the “it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog” mindset, at some point, size does matter. The 5’10” McDermott has had a great run, but now he runs into a collassal Titan of a man standing 6’4″ and 261 lbs. McDermott’s wrestling allowed him to play in college despite his smaller stature, but when faced with a 3 time super bowl champion linebacker, the size difference is simply too much. Vrabel is the last man standing in an absolutely stacked AFC.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND

3. Joe Judge New York Giants

vs

4. Dan Campbell Detroit Lions

The NFC has been pretty weak compared to the AFC, but these two aren’t bad, and one of them is legit. Joe Judge can probably hold his own in most fights, but Dan Campbell is a large, emotional man. He’s cried in post game pressers like a giant teddy bear, but if those emotions turn to anger, it’s good night for the Giants coach. Detroit has never had such an easy run through the NFC.

FINAL ROUND

AFC (1). Mike Vrabel Tennessee Titans

vs

NFC (4). Dan Campbell Detroit Lions

The tale of the tape is remarkably close here. Both of these guys played pro ball and have super bowl experience, although only Vrabel won. Campbell is 1 year younger, about an inch taller, and only a couple pounds heavier. Both of these guys can throw down, but only one of them is prepared to bite off the other guy’s kneecaps.

If the NFL coaching career doesn’t pan out, and it’s not looking good so far for Dan Campbell, perhaps a career change to pro wrestling is in order. He’s got the size, pedigree, background, and emotional range to make it happen. He may never hoist the Lombardi, but he wins his first (hopefully of many) Royal Rumble titles here.

CHAMPION: Dan Campbell Detroit Lions

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