*This article is satire. Information in this article is fictitious, however similar it may be to real events. Accounts from public figures and businesses mentioned by name are invented. Any parallels found to actual people, businesses, and events is purely coincidental.*
BUFFALO, NY – Continuing their efforts to thwart the welcomed success of their own teams, the Pegulas threatened to move the Buffalo Bills out of Buffalo this Sunday.
Over the weekend, news leaked from tight-lipped upper management that the owners of the Buffalo Bills would look to move the team to a city that “wants” a team, such as Austin, TX. The Pegulas, a family with a net worth of approximately $1 bazillion, made it abundantly clear that they are on a tight budget we peasants simply wouldn’t understand.
“Nobody gets it,” said the mayor of Pegulaville, “success simply won’t pay for my new yacht..uh..I mean OUR new stadium! We need YOUR money, and if you don’t give it to us, we’ll take everything you care about away from you! MWAHAHA –…I mean, we will respectfully take our business elsewhere.”
The City of Austin, while they haven’t actually received an offer yet, declined the Pegulas immediately, stating that they “already have one football team to worry about” and that they don’t need another – unless Supreme Overlord Elon Musk says so.
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