Disclaimer: The Real Housewives are superstars. It’s fair to say that mathematically it’s just as difficult to become a Real Housewive on BRAVO as it is to play professional sports, if not moreso. For these reasons, my analysis of RHONY and RHOBH will reflect their stature.
RANKINGS ENTERING SEASON 13
1) LUANN 2) SONJA 3) LEAH MCSWEENEY 4) RAMONA SINGER 5) EBONI WILLIAMS (gotta earn your spot)
It doesn’t take long as across the opening montage the ladies are getting back into rhythm with what makes them feel good. Of course I’m gonna miss Tinsley and Dorinda (Comeback Housewive of the Year 2020 IMO) but it’s exciting to have this core group back. We see Luann talking with her assistant, Sonja becoming an evolving empress “cray cray is the way we roll” (then immediately talks about shaving her vagina)
However my initial beef is: Was Eboni even in the intro?? However, I thought “That’s fair Bryce Harper was the number 1 prospect in baseball but when he got called up and he didn’t bat cleanup right away.”
We then go to Leah who upgraded her NYC apartment… look I’m a HUGE Leah guy but that apartment looked like a 23-year olds not someone like Leah who has a child- but I guess I can’t hate on her trying to live her life. I know I’m new to the housewives but Leah is telling me she’s “addicted to the rules” of a potential switch to Judaism?? Wasn’t this the same person throwing furniture at an outdoor dinner party last season?? But kudos for the effort “Just because in converting to Judaism doesn’t mean I’m gonna be the perfect Jew” -perfectly put Leah
Ramona and Luann are neighbors now. Interesting vibe. Don’t love Ramonas dog Coco, probably because it reminds me of Ramona in dog form. Very worried about Luann and Ramona trying to make this friendship work, mainly because their favorite part of their friendship is that they weren’t friends in the past and that can’t last. You can only keep that rival heat for so long before it boils over.
This is compounded by the fact that Luann immediately suggests an alternative to drinking. The Countess then proceeds on a huge dialogue about not drinking and being healthier, which is totally fair and something anyone with a bruutal hangover has hypothesized about. Hey, if the Countess is about it who am I about to judge, if Luann wants to be Christopher Moltisanti Season 5 go right ahead. Then and perhaps even more egregiously, Luann tried to front like she didn’t move right next to her ex husband. Blatantly obvious.
Eboni finally makes her on-screen debut and brings heat with date-talk right away. Eboni is a broadcaster, lawyer and an AKA *Note to Self: Figure out what an AKA is* Now we talk about whether Leah is ready to fall in love. Anyone who watched last season knows the answer here is likely “no chance” but atleast Leah is enthusiastic. At this point, Eboni says she will take a poop on a first date. “I will take a poopoo” “Bitch, I ate” were both phrases that were said. I’m resisting the urge not to move her up already.
Sonja is kinda like the Arya Stark of RHONY, she’s obv a part of the main family but at the same time the adventures she’s having on her own can totally stand alone. Leah and Sonja then FaceTime from each other’s bathtub. Smashing.
My instant reaction watching this premiere is every Eboni segment is must watch. #ThatFICO Very relatable. Eboni tells a story of how she had a very personal relationship with the repo man. It’s enthralling and relatable.
This brings us to the first “event” of the season: Brunch at Sonjas. Factions: Eboni and Leah. Ramona and Luann. As we learned on RHOBH last season nothing is more dangerous than when the housewives are united. Leah is literally talking about her relationship with Ramona when Eboni says “Real talk, I hope the food is really good.”
#SonjaTime– “I’m never ready for the guests but the place is ready for the guests.”
Eboni giving out points for Sonja trying>>> “Not to be a badass, but” *shows cleavage* -Eboni The Housewives are like tectonic plates. Luann’s personal trainer Garth, getting some cardio in. At this point the crew goes inside and the friendship starts getting real. Ramona frames it that she wants to help Sonja’s mental state given her product distributor going out of business and the struggles of selling her townhouse but is that just Ramona spinning it that way? Then LMAO Leah says you have to be careful having heart to hearts with Ramona or you will receive a “Singer Stinger.”
Then, and I know I’m still a newbie– but did we just get a flashforward?!?!! Sonja yelling at Ramona. “What happened to talking behind people’s backs?” “Its a new era” (preach) They then show a montage of the ladies being naked, partying, Ramona ranting about class, painting penises and much much more. The rest of this season can’t come soon enough.
WWHL Postshow Extra: “Everybody’s kissed Harry” “Except u Eboni” “Watch this season Andy” #411
POST EPISODE 1 POWER RANKINGS
1) Countess Luann 2) Leah McSweeney 3) Sonja Morgan 4) Eboni Williams 5) Ramona Singer